knife_bender | Hargreeves Mansion

So, time and universe traveling via briefcase still sucked. At least Diego wasn't actively throwing up, too focused on the fact that he was back in the home that he hadn't seen in years. And the last time he saw it, it had actively been falling down around him.

"This is a good sign." They were in the right house, at least!

Seemingly.

Annie	Annie had only been in this house (supposedly) briefly, but she still instantly knew where they were. And you know what, if Diego was ready to be cautiously optimistic, then she was here to just go ahead and seal the deal by being recklessly so. "We did it!" Yeah team! High fives all around!
Five	"We did it," Five agreed with less enthusiasm because, well, Five. But also because something worked and he was a healthy level (for a crazy person) of suspicious here.
Allison	Allison looked pretty damn pleased that something had worked for once. She turned in a circle, looking around to make sure there wasn't anything weird like flying toasters or anything. And then she saw it. "...wasn't that a portrait of Five before?" It was more appropriate that the portrait was now Ben since he was the one that died but still...that wasn't right.
Annie	"It's...less creepy than the one of Five was," Annie offered, before slanting an apologetic look his way. "No offense." But like, maybe Reginald had just changed up the decor while they were gone! Didn't this guy look like he redecorated all the time? Real HGTV guy, that Reginald.
Five	"Don't look at me, I never asked for it," Five muttered, turning in a slow circle to take in all the minor changes. Not that he'd be good for picking them out since he had even more distance from the old place than the others.
Diego	"It's not just that. There's a bunch of stuff off." Small things, sure, but enough to worry Diego. "It's our house...but not our house." Did that make sense?
Reginald	"This is not your house." Probably some of you wished that you jumped into time that was pre-world ending but post-Reginald dying. Well that was just too damn bad. One of you missed him at least, right? Luther? Luther, say you missed him.
Annie	"Aw, shit, we got here too early." Annie. Not a kind thing to say aloud. But she was starting to have a pretty bad feeling about this, and seeing that man was not helping put her at ease.
Annie	Well good for you for saying what everybody was thinking, Annie. "What are you talking about?" Allison asked. "This is the Umbrella Academy." Yet, even as she said it, she had the feeling she was about to be wrong.
Reginald	"Wrong again." Reginald nodded his head up to the balcony, where a group of six people were standing, conveniently shadowed...along with a floating cube. "This is the Sparrow Academy." So suck on that.
Ben	Just to make things more confusing, the first Sparrow to make their way down to the sitting room was the one they would recognize. "Dad, who the hell are these assholes?" Now you must really be asking why there was a portrait of Ben.
Diego	Diego looked back at his other siblings, making sure he wasn't hallucinating. That was actually Ben standing there. (The hallucinating would come in a few minutes, Diego, don't you worry.) "Holy shit."
Annie	Annie, here to further just say what everyone was thinking, actually took a step forward to peer at the guy calling them assholes -- they could get to that in a second, it probably didn't even matter -- and ask, "Oh my God, Ben?" You would think she'd have a better grip on what was going on here, given her experience with the multiverse. You would think.
Five	You know, if this Ben was also a time traveler who was here to keep his siblings from making a world ending mistake, he'd excuse the painting. But no, he seemed mostly to just be a jerk. "What the hell?"
Luther	It should not be surprising that Luther was at least as confused, if not more confused, as everybody else. Which was why he asked the kind of dim question of, "Is it really you?"
Diego	To which Diego added from behind him, "And who are those weirdos on the balcony?" Both of them seemed to have skipped over the part where this Ben called them assholes.
Annie	"Honey, don't call them weirdos, they might be nice," Annie chided gently as she waved up at the weirdos. "Hi there!" Again, the man before you had just referred to this assembled group as these assholes, but sure.
Reginald	The blonde one was a lot nicer this time around than the last time he saw her. Probably because he wasn't actively abusing his kids this time. "These are the Sparrows," Reginald said, with a flourish to the balcony. "My children."
Five	Was it just him saying that that seemed to set the world off it's axis for a moment there? Probably not, but that's what Five was going with. "I'm sorry, what do you mean your children? That's not possible, old man." THEY HAD A HEART TO HEART ABOUT TIME TRAVEL FOR A REASON, SIR.
Reginald	The heart to heart got him thinking, Five! Also, everyone, if you felt a little rumble coming from the basement, no you didn't. "Of course they're my children!" Reginald said. "I would know, wouldn't I?" The rest of the Sparrows joined Ben on the ground floor, all of them looking like fairly normal people. Well, except for the melty guy.
Klaus	This was great, in Klaus' opinion. More family to borrow money from! And Ben was back! "Everybody else can see Ben, right?" Klaus asked, waving at the brother in question.
Ben	Ben was absolutely not having it. "Cute hat, Sundance." And it just made him angrier when Klaus seemed to take that as compliment. God damn it.
Reginald	"They call themselves the Umbrella Academy." And the blonde one, whose name Reginald forgot. "A group of scheming, perfidious malcontents who accosted me in the fall of 1963 when I was away on business in Dallas." Look at those SAT words. "Be warned. They claim to be my spawn."
Allison	"Claim?" Oh no, Allison did not put up with years of child abuse just for this fucker to deny they were his kids. "Five, what the hell is going on?"
Five	Give him more than a few minutes to think about it, okay? "I don't know yet, but it's concerning," Five replied, eyes going to the briefcase that had clearly gotten them into this mess and would be necessary to get them right back out of it again.
Annie	And right about now was when Annie's experience with the multiverse was going to actually kick in and help a little. Or, rather, her unconscious assumption that this was just a slightly different universe was about to be corrected. "Wait, you're the same Reginald as in 1963?" Annie asked, her gaze flicking along the various weirdos -- so much for making friends, because Diego's instincts on this one seemed pretty right so far -- and landing on Reginald again before her eyes narrowed. Goddammit, Five, if you hadn't teleported her out of that tiki bar before she could kick this guy's ass, none of this would be happening! (Also none of you would have been adopted, either, but Annie's grasp of paradoxes was even weaker than her grasp of the multiverse or time travel.)
Marcus	Marcus frowned, at least willing to believe some of what these people are saying. He looked over at Reginald. "Is this true?"
Viktor	"Not the part about us being perfidious," Viktor said. "But we are his children. This is our house."
Sloane	Sloane crossed her arms over her chest. "I kind of think we would have noticed you."
Luther	Luther sputtered, seemingly noticing Sloane for the first time. It was a lot of things happening at once, but he didn't know how he missed someone so pretty. "Hi...I'm Luther."
Allison	Allison rolled her eyes. "Okay, none of you belong here."
Fei	You couldn't see Fei also rolling her eyes, but she was doing it. "Oh, well then. I guess we'll pack our bags and move out."
Christopher	The cube, which had been floating behind the rest of the Sparrows, chirped something that sounded like robot talk from the 80's.
Ben	Ben chuckled, putting his hand on his chest. "You slay me, Chris."
Grace	Another familiar face entered, carrying a tray of slightly burnt cookies. Grace's hair was a dirty blonde, much like how the actual Grace's had been in Texas. She was also dressed more like a maid than the 50's fashion plate the Umbrellas usually saw. "I wasn't expecting company," Grace said, a little nervously. "This is the best I could do on short notice."
Diego	Of all the weird things Diego had seen today, this was the one that made his brain break a little bit. "Mom."
Jayme	Jayme audibly gagged. "Mom? She's a robot, you perv."
Diego	Diego's cheeks flushed. "She's not a robot."
Annie	That was pretty wild to see, and while Annie felt an immediate pull towards Diego and his mom, the way her temper flared decided things pretty quickly as far as her reaction. "Come over here and say that where I can hear you a little better," she suggested to Jayme in a tone that communicated she had heard her perfectly well the first time.
Ben	"Oh, what are you gonna do about it, Blondie?" Ben asked.
Annie	"Ask your daddy," Annie retorted as she rounded on Ben, her eyes illuminating with a sharp little answering buzz from the room's lamps. Mind the wiring, girl. Who knew how this place was rigged up.
Viktor	Viktor stepped forward, now realizing he'd have to be the voice of reason here. "Annie, guys, chill."
Ben	Ben laughed. "You think I'm afraid of you?"
Marcus	"Stand down, Ben," Marcus said, with the tone of a Number One.
Diego	Hey, Ben! Nobody talked to his wife like that even if it was hot when she got pissed off! "How about I shove that big Rubik's Cube up your ass?"
Jayme	Jayme had definitely had enough of this pervert. While Marcus was focused on chiding Ben she worked up some venom and spit it at Diego.
Diego	Which was absolutely disgusting. So freaking gross. Who spit on people? Diego wiped at his face, ready to tell this chick off, but then everything...everything got kind of weird. He stared off into the distance for a long moment, as an entire dance battle to Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" played out in his head. They really were some great dancers, goddamn.
Annie	It was probably good for, like, a million reasons that Annie had been too focused on how this version of Ben, was like, going for the gold in Assholing, and missed the actual spitting. But she did listen to Viktor, who was right -- and also, like, a real ace in the hole here, considering Annie couldn't dream of fucking these guys up as badly as Viktor could if he got going -- and let her eyes fade as she took a step back. It was then that she noticed Diego, and Annie could have kicked herself for focusing on the opposition instead of her own husband. "Are you okay?"
Diego	Diego snapped out of it, shaking his head as if to wave off the Footloose vibes. "Yeah--yeah, I'm good." He looked over at Jayme, who seemed to know exactly what he had been thinking about. Now that was a fun power.
Klaus	Klaus, meanwhile, was still trying to make friends. "Psst. Ben-a-rino. You look so much better alive than you do dead. Except for that haircut."
Ben	To be fair, it was completely normal for Ben to react the way he did at Klaus being weird. "What the hell did you just say?"
Klaus	Klaus laughed, and came closer to Ben. "Come on, come on, stop with the hostility, Mr. Grumpy Pants." As he got closer to Ben, Klaus noticed the haircut wasn't the only thing that was different. "Oh, nice scar. Muy macho."
Ben	"Shut your mouth!" Ben snapped. Why was he the one being harassed like this?
Klaus	Klaus held his arms out. "You shut your mouth and hug your brother!"
Ben	Ben thought it was completely in his right to protect himself from Klaus just then. And, yes, punching him clear across the room until he flipped over the coffee table was self-defense.
Luther	"Hey!" Luther yelled, looking back at Klaus to make sure he was okay before moving towards Ben. "You didn't have to do that!"
Ben	Ben huffed. "Oh, I'm pretty sure I did."
Marcus	Marcus stepped between Ben and Luther. Ben was an asshole, yes, but it was his responsibility to protect his siblings. Even if they were jerks. "Get back."
Luther	Luther did not, in fact, get back. He actually had about enough of this, and this douche Ben hitting Klaus was going a little too far. So Luther did the mature thing and threw a punch at Marcus, since he seemed to be the one in charge.
Marcus	Marcus ducked the punch easily and returned with a swift kick at Luther, hurling him across the room and landing into Klaus. That's when everyone took that as their cue to kick each other's asses.

Diego	Yes. Yessssssss! This is exactly what Diego hoped would happen as soon as he saw those weirdos. He would have taken the dance off, too, but this was better. Luther and Marcus seemed to be determined to fight each other, so Diego picked the next Sparrow nearest to him to take on. Which was the floating cube. "Come at me, litterbox!" This was either going to be really embarrassing or a great story later.
Christopher	Spoiler: It was going to be embarrassing. Christopher seemed more than happy to fight Diego, making loud whirring noises as he flew above his head. And then he garbled something out that sounded a lot like smack talk, even if you didn't understand him.
Diego	Weirdly, and don't ask how this was possible, Diego actually could understand Christopher. At least enough to know what he was being insulted about. "No, you look like a bargain bin Rambo!" Diego, honey.
Christopher	Okay, enough talking (whirring). Christopher turned from blue to red and zapped Diego with his powers until he fell to the floor, groaning.
Five	You know what? This all tracked for people raised by Reginald. Even if it was extra annoying because it had been their thing, damn it. Newbies need not apply. Even you, b-list version of Ben. Who was actually a halfway decent fighter based on how he very nearly managed to get Five in a hold. But was clearly unprepared for his annoying powers as he teleported out of Ben's reach. "You're alive, that's great. Or possibly horrible. I'm not really sure yet." A real TBD scenario.
Ben	Do you people have any idea how weird it was you kept talking to him like you knew him? It was weird! "Is this some kind of weird smack talk?" It was unnerving, he had to admit.
Five	"It's more of an existential problem, really, Ben," Five explained because Ben was the favorite sibling of all of them and deserved that very helpful answer.
Ben	"Awesome, here's your next problem--" Ben allowed his tentacles to come out to grab Five, hoping to surprise him. Because surely these people didn't really know him and his powers.
Five	It was cute! It really, really was! But Five was already one step ahead of him, teleporting up to the balcony that these weirdos had first shown up on. "You know, even though you're a total asshat now--" He teleported yet again as Ben tried the exact same trick again. But this time he appeared directly in front of him for a sucker punch. "--it's nice to see you again, really."
Diego	Christopher had felt like Diego had enough, and started moving in on Five since it was obvious Ben couldn't handle him alone. But he (it?) clearly underestimated how dumb Diego was because as soon as he managed to get up he was jumping on top of the cube, punching as it, and mumbling disturbing things like "Who's your daddy?" to it. Then Christopher started rising through the air, spinning faster and faster until Diego was holding on for dear life, and trying not to puke. Eventually he was flung onto the second floor, hitting one of the columns straight on. He was joined shortly after by Viktor, who had been thrown to the second floor into Mom's art collection by Sloane. This was not going well.
Allison	Allison was also finding herself in a bad situation. First she had been fighting Fei, who was not as blind as she looked, then after subduing her with a Rumor she had to fight...the really gross looking guy. Who turned out to have the power of being a complete asshole. And also whenever Allison punched him it was her that felt the hit. He had those powers too. After a few failed hits that had Allison feeling like she might have broken her nose, Alphonso tripped her up so she landed on the floor. Then the big guy stomped over toward her, lifting his leg, fully expecting to break her nose for real once he smashed his foot into her face.
Five	Which was, of course, when the sibling with the deus ex machina power teleported into the scene and grabbed here to teleport them up to the balcony these weirdos first appeared one. Because no one injured his siblings but him! Emotionally, for the most part!
Allison	"Thanks," Allison said, amazed she didn't get her face smashed in just then. Sometimes brothers were helpful?
Jayme	"What's up, short pants?" Jayme asked, hands in her pockets.
Five	"No problem," Five said to Allison, keeping his focus on this idiot. "Go help the others, I'll handle this one."
Jayme	Jayme looked vaguely insulted at the insinuation that she would be handled. "What are you, their mascot or something?"
Five	Well, if the shoe fits... Five teleported behind her for a suckerpunch. Because someone was getting real annoyed by these ridiculous pretenders to their intense familial trauma. "More like their ringer."
Jayme	Oh, you little shit. Jayme hit the ground face-first, but quickly flipped around so she didn't have her back to Five. After a second of what looked like someone gearing to hulk a big loogie, Jayme spit black goo at Five's face. So...enjoy that. Hopefully it wasn't another dance number.
Five (and Dolores)	"Hey, gross!" Five said, immediately reaching up to wipe off her spit. Who the hell spit at people in a fight? What did she think she was? That dinosaur that murdered Wayne Knight? "What the hell--" He started to demand answers, but beyond her he saw Dolores. "Dolores?" No, it couldn't be. "Cinque, amore mio, mi sei mancato così tanto," she said, looking exactly how he remembered her to be. "Mi sei mancato anche angelo mio, più di quanto tu possa immaginare," Five sighed, holding out his arms to her to pull her into a kiss. "Vieni da me." Not. Weird. At. All.
Jayme	No, sir. That was weird. That was really fucking weird. All Jayme was seeing was a little boy kissing air and it was still so weird. "Are all of these guys perverts?" Jayme asked before kicking Five down the stairwell.
Annie	Annie took vague notice of Five hitting the bottom of the stairs. She would have run over to help him, had she not caught the big melty guy with his back to her. Great. Element of surprise was always a gift, particularly when you had showy-ass powers like Annie's and you weren't going to be able to hang onto that surprise for long. Case in point -- seconds before Annie fired a pair of blasts at Alphonso, every light in the room flickered to telegraph her move before she could make it. Not that it was gonna matter. Too bad she hadn't seen what happened to Allison, earlier.
Alphonso	"Hey, not cool!" Alphonso said, shielding his eyes. Sure, the energy Annie blasted at him wasn't gonna do anything but that light was still bright as fuck and very annoying.
Annie	Maybe she'd blinded him! That'd be cool. She could kind of hang her hat on that, and Annie was already thinking of talking some shit about his sister's sunglasses and how he'd need some too when she found herself smacked full-on with an invisible force and flew into the nearest wall with a pronounced oof. Was he...like...made of rubber? Was this dude's powerset literally based on a playground taunt?
Alphonso	"Oof. That looked like it hurt," Alphonso said, still rubbing at one of his eyes. "You want to try again?"
Annie	She did, in fact, stupidly want to try again. Mostly because she didn't quite understand what she was up against, or what he was doing. However: he was acting sort of nice? And really, she should have been suspicious of that. So yeah, once she'd pushed herself up again, Annie fired a set of blasts at Alphonso again, one from either hand with an answering electrical charge for each of them. Which obviously meant that Alphonso should probably be clued in to cover his eyes this time, and also Annie was a complete moron who was about to slam back into that wall again.
Alphonso	Alphonso did indeed close his eyes this time, cracking one open when he heard Annie crash into a wall. "Oh, and she's down again! Maybe punching will work?"
Annie	"Your face," Annie countered from where she was heaped on the floor, thoroughly disabused of the notion that she should try to hit this guy with anything again. "Your face looks like a candle." She'd get up in a second. There was probably someone around here she could blast. Maybe from the floor, though.
Alphonso	"That hurts," Alphonso, putting a hand to his chest. "That's really hurtful, what you said." Then he wandered off to go watch his siblings fight, leaving Annie on the floor to collect herself.
Diego	Diego, meanwhile, had managed to escape the cube and was wandering around trying to find his siblings. He finally found Klaus in Dad's old office. "Klaus, we've got to go, man, these guys are too good--" Diego stepped into the room and saw Klaus was not alone. There was Dad holding a...sewing tin? "...for you guys. I'm loving it." Yup. Loving it so much. "But you're probably going to die, come on."
Luther	You know, this was all pretty terrible, but you know what? Luther still managed to score in time with the cute girl. After punching her by accident, but still. "Hey, I'm Luther." Smooth. So smooth.
Five	Not another Flowers in the Attic situation, Luther. C'mon. "Luther, we're leaving! Now!" Five said, running past him with Allison hot on his heels.
Luther	"Just a second--" Why do you all have to be such cockblocks?
Allison	Allison grabbed at Luther's collar, dragging him away. "Luther, we have to move, now!"
Luther	The sound of wings fluttering and caws drew Luther's attention down the hall where the blind chick was...summoning attack ravens. "Seriously?!"
Five	"The briefcase!" Five said, just remembering it again in the middle of all this. Which was why he abandoned his siblings to the tender mercies of those birds by teleporting away to retrieve it. Or would have if it was still where he'd last seen it. Which was less than ideal. Even less than that, Viktor was on the ground, surrounded by those Sparrow idiots who were circling in on him. "Viktor, get out of there!"
Viktor	Easier said than done, dude! Viktor had been holding back throughout the fight, knowing he could easily take down the house by accident. But when all of the Sparrows surrounded him he had no choice but to let out some of that power, his chest glowing for a moment before he let out a pulse of energy, sending the Sparrows flying. Then he got the hell out of there, following his siblings out the door.