Hotel Obsidian| Morning

[knife_bender]

So, there was a kid Diego had to take care of now, apparently. One very annoying, totally not his, kid. At least Stan stopped asking stupid questions when there was food in front of him, which explained why he was shoving a plate of pancakes at the kid while contemplating on whether or not to start day drinking.

Klaus	Klaus didn't need any encouragement to start day drinking. He had been doing so since he woke up, basically. The fact he got to do it while Diego was clearly annoyed was a bonus. "This little delinquent is your son?" Klaus asked, barely containing his joy at the situation.
Diego	"Son from a different timeline," Diego replied. "Allegedly." Diego liked to think that even an alternate version of him would know better than to sleep with Lila.
Five	Really, Diego? Really? "Who's the mother?" Five asked, unimpressed by this entire timeline snafu that Diego somehow managed.
Diego	He was not about to be looked at like that by a man (boy) wearing a hat that looked like that. "Lila."
Klaus	Which almost caused Klaus to choke on his drink. "Excuse me?" Oh no wonder your wife couldn't be found this morning, Diego.
Five	"Lila's here?" Five asked, sticking to the important to their continued staying alive point.
Diego	"She was," Diego said. "She dropped this kid off in my lap last night and then bolted."
Klaus	Klaus took a sip of his third Bloody Mary in the morning. "I don't care much for that one."
Five	Yes, that was a wise sentiment. "Technically she's family," Five said, considering it.
Klaus	"She was trying to murder us, like, yesterday." Or a year ago. Let him be dramatic.
Five	"Yeah," Five said with an only slightly annoyed tone. "Like I said, family." So loving, this one. "Diego, is she coming back?"
Diego	"Well she goddamn better because we have more important things we should be dealing with right now!" Sorry, Stanley.
Viktor	Viktor made his way into the lobby and approached the table. "Where's Luther?"
Diego	"Who cares? Out for a run or something," Diego said, shrugging.
Viktor	Viktor pulled up a chair, and took in a breath, already knowing this wasn't going to go well. "I talked to Marcus last night."
Diego	Damn right it wasn't going to go well. "You talked to the enemy? By yourself?"
Viktor	"Someone had to do something," Viktor said, eyes glancing over at the kid sitting weirdly close to them before focusing back on Diego.
Diego	"Who elected you?" If they were going to elect a president of the family, Diego would have totally thrown his hat in the running.
Five	"Last I checked you didn't speak for this family," Five pointed out, almost gently. You know. For him.
Viktor	"It's fine, okay? Marcus totally gets it," Viktor insisted. "He doesn't want a war any more than we do."
Diego	Okay, well, speak for yourself, Viktor. "Are you insane? He tried to homicide us!"
Klaus	"So did Lila and you had a kid with her," Klaus pointed out, giving Stan a wave.
Diego	"That is so not the point!" And it was his alleged fake kid!
Viktor	Uh, they were going to have to circle back on the fake kid thing after Viktor explained all this. "We made a deal. He's going to give back Five's briefcase, then we're gonna get out of the timeline. We're gonna meet later today for, uh, the handover."
Diego	Diego shook his head. "That's a rookie move. Dude is playing you." He got played all of the time, he knew what it looked like.
Vitkor	"Oh, really?" Viktor asked, sounding annoyed for once.
Diego	"Yeah, but maybe we can use this," Diego said, leaning in to lower his voice so his alleged son didn't hear him planning murder. "We turn it back on them and wipe them the hell out."
Viktor	"Diego, stop, please," Viktor said. "You are not going to do anything today."
Klaus	Klaus lifted up a finger. "Except bonding with your son."
Diego	"Alleged son!" Diego snapped.
Viktor	Viktor gave Stan a sympathetic look. This poor child. "I will get the briefcase, and then we will all go back and fix the timeline." Third or fourth time's the charm, right?
Five	"Hey, we're not going anywhere!" Five said, finally leaning forward after trying to relax with his mimosa and his jaunty hat. "This is a perfectly acceptable timeline."
Viktor	"Yeah, why don't you tell that to Allison who is upstairs grieving her daughter, who doesn't even exist here." Dared you to, Five.
Diego	"Not to mention we've been replaced by a bunch of blobs and cubes and birds and shit," Diego said.
Five	"News flash, geniuses! It's not about us!" Five snapped. "Take a look around. If you hadn't noticed... there is no doomsday. There is no apocalypse." What a concept, right? "The sun is shining, birds are doing... whatever the hell it is birds do. That's all that matters. We're done messing with time. And I... am officially retired." And with that, he dramatically walked off with his drink. Because he deserved this drink, damn it.
Klaus	Whoa. That was quite an outburst from the old man. Klaus sniffed the air vaguely as Five walked off. "Is he wearing aftershave? I'm concerned." That hat alone, yikes. Klaus scrambled to follow Five, ignoring the fact the lights flickered a bit as he made his way over. Old hotel, stuff flickered all the time. "Hey, what do you say we get out of here, huh? Take a little road trip," Klaus said once he caught up with Five.
Five	He was fine! "What are you talking about?" Five asked, looking at Klaus like he was talking nonsense again. Which was just the usual Klaus reaction, really.
Klaus	"I'm talking about a sojourn to the countryside," Klaus said. "You and me, the wind in our hair." Yes, Klaus and Five, the team everybody wanted and cheered for. "Thelma and Louise on the open road."
Five	Hey, they hadn't had a team up in ages now! "You know they die at the end, right?" Five asked, amused in spite of himself.
Klaus	"Holding hands! Living our best life, my little cherub!" Klaus said excitedly. "Also I nearly died from Luther's sleep farts last night. We need to get out of here and get some fresh air."
Five	Uh huh. "Okay, I'll bite," Five said, turning to look at him like he could figure out the weasels in his brother's brain. "Why me, Klaus?"
Klaus	"Because you said you were retired, and that's what retired people do." Road trips, ugly hats, shuffleboard. "And don't you deserve some fun?"
Five	That was the least believable thing Klaus had ever said to him. But it wasn't important because Five's attention went to something that was probably a random, easily dismissed detail as he noticed the lobster tank behind Klaus. "There's no lobsters."
Klaus	"Excuse me?" Five, please, he was trying to bond, here. No ulterior motives whatsoever.
Five	What was bonding if not tricking your sibling into doing what you wanted? "There were three lobsters in that tank a minute ago."
Klaus	Klaus shrugged. "Yeah, well, you know, maybe Chet blended them into a morning smoothie."
Five	Five rolled his eyes and sighed, letting that go as another weird thing about this place. You know. Since he was now retired and all. "You're an idiot," he informed Klaus. "But I'm in." He'd regret it, he was sure.
Klaus	"Yes!" He knew he could count on you, you elderly weirdo.

Diego	Once Klaus had wandered off after Five, Diego tried looking around for Annie to no avail. Which meant she was probably still pissed, which he certainly couldn't blame her for. He was pissed too. Then he went back to the lobby to find Stan tussling with Chet. "What the hell are you doing?" Whether that disappointment was directed at Stan or Chet was up in the air.
Chet	"Your son stuffed three mini muffins down his pants," Chet informed him.
Stan	"And this is a buffet!" Stan said. "I can take whatever the hell I want!"
Diego	That was actually a good point, but Diego didn't want to piss Chet off since he could kick them out whenever he wanted. "I've got him," Diego said, taking Stan by the arm. "Come on." He sat Stan down on the steps before sitting down right next to him. "Time for some ground rules--shut up and listen." "My father was a Hall of Fame asshole," Diego started. "And when I was a little pissant like you, I made a promise to myself that I would never act like him to any kid of mine." Look at him, being open and honest.
Stan	Unfortunately he was talking to a child on the verge of puberty. "Yeah, stop, I'm gonna cry."
Diego	Diego had to take a calming breath to not automatically snap at the kid. Just...calm. He had to be calm. "I am a busy man, with a lot on my shoulders, okay?" Sparrows attacking, his wife was mad at him, and now a kid to take care of. "So I'm not going to let you slow me down either, all right?"
Stan	"Oh yeah, you look super busy right now," Stan said, taking one of the aforementioned muffins out of his pants to eat.
Diego	Diego slapped the muffin out of Stan's hands. Calmly. Totally calmly. "You can stay until your mom gets back. But no more dumb shit, or else you and I are going to have a serious problem," he said. "Me entiendes?" Stan did not look acknowledge Diego's threat, possibly because there was something dripping out of his ear. And, god, it smelled horrible. "...dude, your ear's leaking."
Stan	Stan looked a little ashamed by that. "Oh, yeah. I forgot to pack my ear medicine. If I don't drain it, pus leaks out and it smells like cat puke."
Diego	...gross. Diego stood up, taking Stan by the arm to lift him up too. "Come on."
Viktor	As Diego led Stan down to the front door they were stopped by Viktor. "Whoa, where do you think you're going? I need you to stay put and not do anything stupid until I get the briefcase. "
Diego	Diego was getting kind of irritated by you, newly confident Viktor. "Kid thing. We'll be right back."
Stan	"And you're not the boss of him, either!" Stan added as he was being dragged away by Diego.

[NFI, NFB, OOC is fine. Taken from TUA 3x02 "World's Biggest Ball of Twine" and preplayed with apocalypsehow TBC]